Every day, the Apple Watch and I go to war over my “standing goal.” I get achievements for not lying down. Or not sitting down. I get rewarded for standing up, I think. I can’t really tell. It says my standing goal is 12 hours a day, which doesn’t make sense because that seems like an awful lot of standing, so I think it’s just rewarding me for not being dead. I get rewarded for walking to the fridge. I get rewarded for having a pulse. My dog likes to defecate in my tomato garden, which I deal with by shoveling his dried turds over the fence and into my neighbor’s hot tub. I even get rewarded for that. I get rewarded for my airborne caca missiles. Achievement unlocked. Thanks, Apple. You’re the best. Caca missiles are the best. I am never taking this fucking watch off.
Some salient points amongst the humour.